


Elf and Arm Candy

by Efori



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bilbo and Bard bff, Doghouse, Humor, M/M, Sulking, arm candy for a scribe, concerned citizens of Erebor, drunken poetry, getting shitfaced, tiff in a relationship, tomato-gate, whipped dwarfs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2013-12-27
Packaged: 2018-01-06 08:32:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1104679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Efori/pseuds/Efori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So, what did you do?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"What!? Nothing!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Elf and Arm Candy

**Author's Note:**

> Not betaed.

Dwalin was sitting on the worn bar stool, nursing his fourth beer, wondring how many it would take to do him over.

"Dwalin" Thorin grunted as he sat next to his personal bodyguard.

The other dwarf lifted his slighly unfocused eyes at his King and nodded.

The both ot them sat silently for a while until Thorin spotted the barkeeper, motioned for a beer for himself, fought to pay for it--

"But, sire, I can't possibly take your gold, please, on the house, no no that is too much My King!" the dwarf behind the counter tried hopelessly to push Thorin's gold back to the King Under The Mountain.

"Come on 'horin, let the man be" Dwalin muttered, took a healthy gulp from his beer, some of it ending on his beard and motioned for a fifth one from the agitated barkeeper.

"Bilbo doens't want me to abuse my position" Thorin grunted and drank his beer with a pout.

"Don't see no Bilbo here, drink your beer" Dwalin said and the both of them sat and drank and said nothing even as the bar started to fill with dwarfs coming for a drink after a long day at work.

The mountain residents muttered quietly behind their beards about Thorin's sudden appearance at the lower levels of the mountain and at a bar at that! Should they go and inform Mister Bilbo that King Thorin was here getting shit faced with his personal bodyguard?

"So, what did you do?" Dwalin asked after his seventh beer, Thorin having just started his fourth.

"What!? Nothing!" Thorin grunted, two small red spots appearing on his cheeks.

"Oh come on! Why would you be sitting 'ere with me if ye hadn't done something!" Dwalin's sniggering made Thorin frown as the other dwarf turned to fully face him.

"This is the first time you 'ave graced the bar with your King-ly presence since we took the mountain back from the over grown worm" Dwalin said, drank some more beer and waited for an answer from his long time friend.

"I marely wanted to show to the residents of the mount--"

"Bullshit, try again"

"Can't a dwarf have a cup of beer with his bestfrie--"

"Not buying it"

"I got lost and --"

"Well, that I can believe but really, Thorin, I'm ye bestfriend, the truth before I grow old and deaf"

Thorin muttered something to his beer, a sulky lower lip making a grand appearance.

"What was that?" Dwalin asked, great cheer bubbling in the pit of his stomach, a nasty smirk forming on his face as his King muttered some more.

"I'm really sorry Thorin but my old ears did not catch that" Dwalin chuckled at Thorin who seemed to have some difficulty telling his little story.

"BILBO KICKED ME OUT BECAUSE I FORGOT TO WATER HIS TOMATOES WHILE HE WAS AT DALE MAKING FRIENDS WITH THAT ARSEHOLE OF A BOWMAN" Thorin stood up from his stool, shouting, beer sloshing all over the barcounter.

All the dwarfs at the bar stilled, staring at their Magnificent King Under The Mountain having a fit over his hobbit husband's tomatoes.

"Alright, back to your own business the lot of ye!" Dwalin grunted at the onlookers, taking hold of Thorin's shoulders, forcing his King to sit back down with a fresh cup of beer from the barkeeper.

"If ye ask me, a bit over the top to chuck you out over some greenery" Dwalin said in what he hoped was a comforting voice. He had never been any good at things like this, Balin on the other hand...should probably have someone fetch the other dwarf if Thorin decided to go on a proper bender.

"A tomato isn't classified as greenery, it's actually a fruit" Thorin moped, drank some more beer, shoulders in a hunch.

Dwalin's left eye twitched.

***

They were at beers number 11 and 8...maybe.

"Soh, wy are yew here Dwalin, I though Ori had the week'nd free?" Thorin asked, eyes unfocused, beer on his beard, some of his braids coming undone.

"I didn't do anything!" Dwalin grunted forcefully and asked if the barkeeper had any nuts?

"Oh, Oh, OOOOOH!" Thorin laughed, hitting the counter with his fist in his glee.

Dwalin sulked.

"You are in the doghouse too! Oh Oh this is pre--preci--precious!" Thorin hollored loudly, not that the other customers paid any notice to them anymore.

"I'm not!!! Ori and I just had a little misunderstanding...A dwarf can have a drink without his mate, we are not attached from the hip...I'm a free dwarf to do as I please and--"

"What did you do?" Thorin sniggered, nudged Dwalin's shoulder and moved a bit closer to his friend.

Dwalin sulked.

"I'm yer King, I demand to know, tell me!" Thorin urged Dwalin in his drunken stupor.

Dwalin sighed. Thorin had told him about his and Bilbo's Tomato-Gate, so it was only fair to share his little tiff with Ori to Thorin.

"Ori has a scribe-convention in two day and he wanted to bring me with him. I said no, it ain't my kinda place to be and...and Ori got mad, said it was his big moment, he would be sharing his writings from our journey...and" Dwalin muttered, had some beer and nuts and waited for Thorin to laugh at him.

"Wh-y, why an Mahal's green earth wouldn't you go, friend?" Thorin asked him, slurring only little.

Dwalin turned to face his longtime friend, saw the drunkenly concerned look on the King's face and huffed.

"I ain't nobodys idea of great arm candy. I would only look and sound utterly stupid there in the middle of all those educated scribes" Dwalin said, not looking at Thorin, who had put his beer down.

"Friend, look at me" the King said and took hold of Dwalin's cheeks with both worn hands.

"Do you not know how Ori loves you, how his eyes always find you in the most crowded of rooms, how you are the most valued gemstone to him in this mountain?" Thorin said quietly, sounding somewhat sober.

"I know it's not your kind of a party but sometimes we must do things we don't like to do to keep the ones we love the most, from kicking us out to the curb" Thorin grinned and touched his forehead with Dwalin's.

Dwalin's boisterous laughter filled the slowly emptying bar.

"I should have guessed" a familiar voice stated just from behind the two laughing dwarfs.

The headguard and King whirled on their stools, ending up onto the floor in a heap.

"BELOVED! I was just about to go to the library to read about the right care for tomatoes!!"

"MUFFINCAKE! I only had two beers!

...

"A free dwarf my arse!

"Elf!"


End file.
